The Net shows you how to get away with the perfect murder, make thermonuclear bombs in your kitchen and sell drugs to schoolchildren. Well, almost. And how to avoid being conned, poisoned or drugged. It’s time to get dirt under your fingernails.
We’ve all broken the law. Burglary, shoplifting, stealing library books, vandalising, hitch-hiking, running red lights, cheating on your tax. Burglary sounds the most audacious, but, predictably enough, the only item I ever snitched was a sequinned handbag, and that was as an act of vengeance. Bitch. It was promptly thrown in the bottom of a dustbin. I didn’t want it – I just didn’t want her to have it. Sheer spite. It gave me a feeling of being alive. Taking the law into your own hands is capricious and inexcusable. And it feels delicious.
Of course, the main disadvantage of engaging in unlawful activities is that unruffled poise is sometimes impossible to maintain. Particularly when you’re shovelling a makeshift grave. Or sweating over a poisonous stew. Or pistol-whipping defenceless citizens for money. But then, it’s all your own silly fault. Don’t blame the Net. And besides, it’s much more tasteful to whip out those Heidi Fleiss-style sunglasses so you’re barely recognisable when hanging out with criminals, sleeping with politicians and conning investors out of their savings. Swanning around on the arm of a criminal can be heady and dramatic when you’ve got big-name movie stars clamouring to perform in the big-screen version and paparazzi snapping your every move.
So how can you be part of it? Hmmm – these dodgy sites are often permanently busy, hidden or “recently moved”, and the message you’re most likely to get is “404 Not found on this server.” It’s frustrating, particularly if you want to do something illegal in a hurry.
Drugs
The usual warning at the beginning of this genre of Web pages is: “Some of the articles contained herein describe illegal activities, which may not be clearly identified as being illegal. It is not recommended that any of the activities described herein be carried out.”
You’ll find such activities at The Hyperreal Drugs Archive (http://hyperreal.com/drugs/), which covers natural highs, depressants, psychedelics and most other drugs. If you want to grow your own hemp, wander to The World Wide Weed page at http://www.paranoia.com/maryjane/ It explains how to build a greenhouse of Filon fibreglass sheets that is “innocuous and looks much like a storage shed or tool shed so it’s unlikely to raise suspicions”. Note down the handy hint to: “keep in mind that `the man’ is looking for plants in the Sept/Oct/Nov time-frame and may never notice plants placed outside to flower in April. Be smart, make your big harvest in June, not October!”
E Is For Ecstasy (http://hyperreal.com/drugs/e4x/e4x.ap.01/e4x.ap.01.130.html) mainly covers where to find MDMA manufacturers and how to order publications such as The Complete Book of Ecstasy by U P Yourspigs. Did you know ecstasy is difficult to manufacture? The synthesis produces poisonous fumes and sometimes drug makers have to evacuate, only to find their precious product dripping from the ceiling when they return. Sometimes fumes billow out in white clouds and can be smelt for miles. Dreadful.
Frauds and cons
All of these sites explain how to avoid con artists, so the next time a stranger knocks on your door, you’ll know to be doubly suspicious. For home loan scams, see Homebuyer’s Fair at http://www.homefair.com/homefair/december/scams2.html which tells you about the dangers of dealing with unreliable money brokers and explains how to avoid amateur mortgage pools.
Then there are overseas employment scams, where you’re charged up front for a job search service which doesn’t exist or disappears overnight. These are outlined at http://www.igc.apc.org/cbbb/pubs/tipsea.html#sea
Or what about fake scholarships? Read the Financial Aid Information Page at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/afs/cs/user/mkant/Public/FinAidhtml/scams.html Tip: ads with claims such as “free money” and “everybody is eligible” are the ones which usually draw in hapless consumers. And you can read about “suspicious scholarship opportunities” and examples of misleading advertising.
Run out of ideas? There are fraud details at the US Postal Inspection Service site (http://www.usps.gov/websites/depart/inspect/), which covers the horrors of chain letters, prize giveaway schemes, playing foreign lotteries by mail and free holiday scams.
Lockpicking
Learn the basics and leave your staid job now! (Or terrify yourself into adding a couple of dozen bolts, Chubbs and Yales to your home security setup.) The Lockpicking Guide (http://www.lysator.liu.se/mit-guide/mit-guide.html) is authored by the eloquent Ted the Tool. Headings include It’s Easy, Basic Scrubbing and Advanced Lockpicking. There are exercises for novices and instructions for using street cleaner bristles and bicycle spokes in innovative ways.
Ever tried to impress your friends by picking one of those Master combination locks and failed? How embarrassing! It’s time to brush up with How to Pick Master Locks at http://www.lysator.liu.se:7500/phrack/phrack1_6.html “Step one: Get any of the Master locks. Pull on the handle part, but not enough so that the knob won’t move,” and so on. They advise that with “time and patience” you should be successful.
Murder
Want to commit the perfect murder? Skulk over to http://www.demon.
co.uk/xyz/scandals/articles/murder01.html The Scandals In Justice Web page claims it has documents that outline a blue-print for a murder you can get away with. “The key to committing the perfect murder lies in the previously undisclosed three per cent calculation used by Scotland Yard to establish jurisdiction. The perpetrator and the victim must leave the UK for a certain period. The perpetrator then carries out a documented `act’ that signals the beginning of the plan to kill the victim, such as the purchase of poison, a gun, a knife and so on. The perpetrator and victim then return to British jurisdiction whereupon the deed is executed within a period of time less than three per cent of the total period the plan can be shown to have been in existence.”
For example, if the plan began at the start of a two-week holiday (336 hours), and the victim is killed within 10 hours (three per cent) of returning to England, then, by Scotland Yard’s definition: “as both parties were in the United Kingdom for less than three per cent of this period and all significant factors would have occurred [overseas], the matter would not fall within our jurisdiction”. Of course, you could be extradited, but the document claims there is “little danger of the perpetrator being extradited to a foreign jurisdiction by taking advantage of this loophole in English law”. Take your chances.
Paladin (http://www.paladin-press.com) offers detailed how-to books such as the Hit Man, Death By Deception: Advanced Improvised Booby Traps and a couple of titles bought by convicted Oklahoma bomber Timothy McVeigh, such as Improvised Explosives and Big Book of Homemade Weapons.
Amnesty International lists places where you can get away with murder at http://www.oneworld.org/amnesty/index.html but its list includes nearly every country, including the one where you’re probably living right now, so there’s no need to book airline tickets. If you only dream about murder, then sleepwalk over to The Dream Page at http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/raj/dream/archives/arch8.html Here you can read how: “I lived and slept on a pier in order to find and kill a mass murderer. Found and cornered him in a room with a friend and teacher. We all had kitchen supplies to kill him with.” The helpful interpretation was: “You are a psycho, you need help. Go away!”
Poison
None of these sites advocate poisoning people, but they’re somewhere to start if you’re interested in finding out about poisons and their effects, and essential if you want to keep a sharp eye on what people might be slipping into your bedtime cocoa. Adventures in Clinical Toxicology (http://www.ozemail.com.au/~ouad/toxpro.htm) offers an interesting insight, but the information is mainly couched in medical terms. Also, take a look at Cambridge University Press’ North American Branch home page at http://www.cup.org/Titles/49/0521495768.html for details of antidotes to paracetamol and cyanide poisoning. There are also innumerable sites about toxic plants (such as Cornell University’s poisonous plants page, http://hammock.ifas.ufl.edu/text/wg/39633.html) and insecticides (gopher://ecosys.drdr.virginia.edu:70/00/library/gen/toxics/Propoxur). If you don’t want to venture outside your home, there’s an extensive list of hazardous household cleaners, germicides and poisonous plants at First Aid Online (http://www.symnet.net/Users/afoster/safety/poisonlist.html
Pornography
Whoa, yes! There are graphic, lurid pornographic sites, material on how to distribute pornography on the Net and violent sex fantasies you won’t find at your local bookstore. The best place to look for stolen passwords to get into illicit pay-for-viewing sites is to do a search on “sex passwords” or visit newsgroups such as al.sex.passwords. These sites change regularly, due to porn sites cracking down on these hackers. Be wary too, as you could be traced using an illegal password taken from one of these sites. And who knows if the site was set up as a trap by the porn peddlars?
Prostitution
Want to be a prostitute? “Don’t believe the Happy Hooker – sex work is not particularly glamorous. It quickly becomes mundane and dull, but the pay is so good,” advises an alleged `real hooker’ on alt.sex.prostitution “Don’t sell yourself short,” says a sex worker in Vancouver. There are also job ads for prostitutes and warnings about AIDS.
The Prostitutes’ Education Network at http://www.creative.net/~penet/ can enlighten you with worldwide legal information, prostitute-related poetry and short stories. But even with safe sex practices, there are still hazards. “Proper condom use cuts HIV transmission rates, but there are some things you can transmit, such as herpes, even if a condom is properly used. Your choice, your consequences,” advises someone on the Prostitution in San Francisco page at http://www.paranoia.com/faq/prostitution/San-Francisco.html
Suicide
Eeek – it all looks very dark at alt.suicide.holiday, I got out quickly. “What’s the correct lethal dose of injectable morphine for an older 130lb male? Also, would it have to be intravenous or subcutaneous?” That’s the sort of discussion you’ll find in the talk.euthanasia newsgroup. The Church of Euthanasia (www.churchofeuthanasia.org/) has a suicide assistance hot-line with topics such as Going out like a Celebrity, Techniques from A-Z, Snuff du Jour, A Damn Good Reason to Do It, For that Added Measure of Courage, and Leave your Final Recorded Message.
DeathNet at http://www.islandnet.com/~deathnet/ features the quote: “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.” It offers “everything you need for life’s final voyage” and offers expert advice on “all aspects of assisted suicide and euthanasia”.
Tax
Remember, it’s all about tax avoidance, not evasion. To find out how to become part of the cash economy, you’ll have to pay for it (and not in cash!). Place an order with Atomic Books at http://www.atomicbooks.com/atomicbk/catalog/ugecon.html It explains how to become part of the “underground economy” by getting customers to pay in cash, and how to invest unreported income. It also provides case histories of guerilla capitalists. Other reading includes Economic Sodomy: How Modern Frauds Work and How to Protect Yourself, which shows you how to “turn the tables and con the con men for revenge.” l
Blow up the planet
Yes, there are more sites about how to build a thermonuclear bomb in your kitchen than all the other areas covered here put together, but I’m too law-abidingly responsible to list them here. I don’t want you blowing your arms off, because you’ll probably need them for on-line access. Until voice recognition has been perfected, that is.
Dodgy passports
A South African page, The Freebooter (http://www.freebooter.com/) lets you purchase passports of various nationalities through the site, which is on a secure server. They even offer Irish nationality and full citizenship, which is the “Rolls Royce of all citizenship/passport programmes”. “The Irish passport is without doubt the finest visa-free travel document available. A family must invest a total of £1million. This investment, plus accrued interest, is returned at the end of the five year investment period. The family must also purchase a home in Ireland, for about US$150,000, which it does not need to occupy, and they must own it for at least one year. The head of the family will have to make two one-day visits to Ireland during the application process and must clear an Interpol check.”
Pirated software
Search under “warez”, particularly in newsgroups.
