Strange and bizarre unsolicited e-mails I received from around the world.
“““““““““““
Ah, Madamoiselle Ward, I hope you like my poetry:
Lyle The Paedophile
Down my road,
And round the bend,
Is Lyle.
Sheep, doggies, little children too,
Lyle likes them every one.
Oh, the noises we hear!
In the dead of night,
As Lyle goes about his business.
We don’t like to ask,
It seems impolite,
But Lyle likes telling.
And I must listen.
I’m a paedophile too, you see.
[several other obscene poems included]
What do you actually think of the poems? Did you find them at all humorous?
Lyle is a JOKE. The idea is a form of satire. If you can just see that Lyle is not serious, then you will realise that I am fantasizing, like the media fantasises about what Michael Jackson did. I’m merely the messenger. I have over 80 poems in total, covering such things as Lyle’s marriage to Flossie the rabbit and its epic breakup, his visits to Amsterdam and Acapulco, and Madame Miaow Miaow’s clientele. The poems mainly cover Lyle’s overseas jaunts where he meets up with friends for occaisonal parties on a mysterious man’s yacht. I wonder if you’d know of a publisher who would print them?
Mr Purple
““““““““““““““““`
Cotton Trading (Import) Ltd.
Head offices: Palácio Progresso, conjunto 1038 – Cep 60.057-900 -
FORTALEZA, CE, BRAZIL
Cable “Abatista” – P.O. Box, 739-60.002- 900
Fortaleza, CE, Brazil, April 28, 1997
Dear Sirs,
We have several Brazilian clients interested in importing cotton and, as you well know, Brazil has been for some time the biggest importer of cotton in the world.
Because we have effective possibilities of obtaining such buyers for large orders of your cotton, we would consult you on the feseability of working as your representatives in our region (northeastern Brazil).
Such clients are well known companies with a solid stand in our country, who are obviously in a capacity to buy against irrevocable letter of credit to be opened with first rate international banks.
We are certain that good business will result from our contacts, for our mutual interested.
Looking forward to very soon hearing from you, we thank you in advance for your attention.
Yours sincerely,
Cotton Trading (Import) Ltd.
Airton Batista
Director
Member:
AMCHAM – American Chamber of Ciommerce
Chamber of Commerce Brazil-Canada
The British Chamber of Commerce,
Chamber of Commerce Italy-Brazil
Chamber of Commerce Sweden-Brazil
O . A . B . – Order of Lawyers of Brazil
ABCNY -The Association the Bar the City of New York,
A . A . S . P. Association of Lawyers of Sao Paulo
U.I.A . International Association Lawyers-Paris
Holding Star-F. Assistance and Participations. Ltd.
Imobrás – Real Estate Consulting
Paracuru International Beach Ltd., etc.
“““““““““““““““
your mag is crap coz you dont put any porn pics in so please put some in next time iam sure you will sell more coppies
““““““““““““““““““““““
HELP REQUEST MESSAGE. Don’t delete.
>My name is Giancarlo Marchetti, i’m 38 years old and i live near Bologna, in ITALY. My life is at the horn of a dilemma …… but go in sequence.
In 1980 i start works as teacher in memory and speed learning course. The company works with multilevel marketing system, and,for 3 years i was the first, or second salesman every month. I was the first italian teacher in memory course.
After 3 year i saw that these work cannot go away, and after a little time for looking around i start, (with a good friend) a company which sell book first and PC after. Business go well until 1991. A divorce (i have a baby), and the business crises put me out in 1994.
In 1992, with a big know-how, i start as consultant in telemarketing, teleselling, and salesman hunting. What can i do? I was old for go into company (yes, in Italy after 30 year, no company want you) and i was young to die. In 1995, selling all my all property, i pay all debt and i remain only with some drawers. In 1994-1995 i had only one god and big customers: he go into bankruptcy at the first month of 1996 because CEO escape with 15 million dollars: the cash of the company. From then, all my research to find work go into nothing. I’m also a discrete electrician, and i know electronics(as hobby and as work), i have also experiences in medical device like electrotherapy, magnetotherapy and iontophoresis: but there’s no work for me, i’m old for all companies and i have no money to start my another company. I don’t know if this is because the crises in Italy is very big, or because i become incompetent in a few seconds, or because my horoscope is negative, but my life is at the horn of a dilemma (remember?): i can stop eat (but my baby?), i can go down from a very high bridge, or i can become a criminal, or i MUST become an homeless.
I DON’T WANT IT !!! No one of that way is good for me. I WANT WORK and restart.
And that is the reason of this message. PLEASE HELP ME !!!
I can work everywere in the world (oops i speak only english and not good), can work in italy in some market ….. please think if you have a way to put me out of this mud. If you want to send me some help (idea, thing, or money (i’m blushing for shame…for this) You can send to
GIANCARLO MARCHETTI CASELLA POSTALE 66 40068 SAN LAZZARO DI SAVENA (BO) ITALY
This is my ultimate hope.
Until June 97 i have a internet account, and so, if you want some information or want to speak with me please E-mail to: oriomed@mbox.vol.it All that you want to give me as help shall be very pleasant. Thank you very much
Giancarlo
P.S. To do this mass E-mail action i take some E-mail address from search engine. If you want to distribute this help messages (please do it!) I shall be very grateful. I reply to all help with E-mail or postcard of Bologna (if you desire it).
““““““““““““““““““
>I am, I have to confess, bewildered, bedazzled and amused at your articles in the recent edition. Not easily drawn to such worship, I felt I had to pay homage where it’s due, and homage is forthcoming in ridiculous quantities for – not just the content – but the style, the wit, and the lightly shaded irony of love, lust and loathing in Las Internet.
I think I should stop before I get too excited whilst frantically typing away.
One thought I have had in this maelstorm of virtual emotion is how different a rushed letter is to hasty email. The former can display emotion spurged across the page in italics, double underlining and hastily scribbled out bon-mots, whilst the latter can be assiduosly checked through the press of a button, instantly rendering a sanitised spelling if not message.
One of my best/worst habits is not re-reading letters I have written by hand. This does, I hope, lend them a feeling of immediacy and also intimacy. With WP docs it is a habit of reducing an emotional letter into a series of carefully targetted scalpels designed to cut away all hesitations on the part of the recipient. Needless to say, scrappy letters always seem to have more effect than re-written essays; even if it’s not the effect I intended and they never want to see such a loose thinking, grammatically incorrect thing ever again.
I shall, however, remain, loose and free, your errant reader.
Paul C
““““““““
Dear Cotton (what a strange and fine name !),
before of all, excuse me for my bad english. I’m italian and I would like write in my language, but I cannot hope you want it….
What do you do when arn’t writing?? How old are?
Can I be one of your autumnal colours? (I hope strongly..)
Your Andrea
“““““““““““
Hi there;
I saw your homepage and wanted to ask you if you like Monthy Python? Judging by your home page content I would tend to believe that you do but then this could be just too persumpous of me. Anyway, I like your home page. It certainly is nice to be able to read something that is funny for a change. I have been up to my eyeballs in grading term papers the last couple of days and was really quite happy to stumble into your site on the innernet. I guess that is what I get for pushing the wrong button somewhat on this computer. Anyway, I would love to hear from you. Take care,
Greg P
“““““““
>I really love you and I think you are excellent!!
Do you smoke, drink, laugh and have a good time?
If yes to all the above then we are a match made in heaven.
Love 
—- Begin Sniffer Bait —-
government hate nsa fbi dod mi5 pgp bomb speedbump illuminati
scientology president freedom murder conspiracy militia cocaine
clone phreak roswell nasa ufo area51 hangar18 esn warez credit
fraud abuse fuck porn rogue cia xxx sex erotica pedophile kodez
assassinate socks mib virus abortion hack plutonium anarchy root
mitnick batf kgb phear treason secret OT 36CCC CDA clinton
chelsea hillary freeman waco davidian massacre mcveigh oklahoma
banned shit bitch whore sodomy lesbian cunt cock dildo kidnap
bondage discipline lords whitewater coverup scandal oswald ruby
rape slut COS dea pepsi lsd cocaine pot maryj pcp ss nazi pow
darkforce lod mod hinkley reagan SOS mailbomb agent secret aohell
steve case bill gates
—- End Sniffer Bait —-
