She had avoided emotional entanglements. Which was why her emails to the literarily adept, but distant, Ryan Bedford, was strictly correspondence of convenience only. But why was Ryan so happy to play the part of a prompt and grammatically-perfect pen pal? What was he hoping to gain? He couldn’t really love her… Could he?
It’s all too easy, when searching for love online, to misinterpret the unique quirks of online communication – such as time delays which can be seen as heart-wrenching snubs, or emails which bounce or are lost in the ether forever. Then there’s sexism and homophobia. And the potential problem of travel costs should you want to meet up.
Most dauntingly, you’re faced with the task of selecting the lovely from the lack-lustre, as there are numerous Netties who are quite literarily skillful, but who you really wouldn’t want to be seen cavorting with at Silverfish, amid the cushions, shiatsu massage, and plates of toast. This is impossible to circumvent, because correspondents can be using various personas, email addresses and avatars. There’s no way of knowing, even if you actually meet someone in person.
It’s an ideal Cyrano De Bergerac situation for drop-dead-droolworthy-hunks-to-die-for who can’t spell their own names. Now all they have to do is hire writers to craft the chat up lines and they’re on to a sure thing. It’s only a matter of time before we hear about the first cases of this happening. Actually, I wouldn’t mind doing this myself – for an appropriate fee of course. Anything to help the course of true love.
Personally, I discovered the online world in 1994. I must clarify here that while I fall in love every ten minutes or so, I tumble out of it equally quickly. And so, with every consonant, vowel, and word with French etymology, I stumbled and catapulted, time and again, captured by yet another eloquent phrase or innovative use of punctuation. Contemporary, colloquial or formal, it didn’t matter. I fell in love with every sassy syllable, and replied to typed tidbits in a frenzy of flirtatiousness. Online relationships can quickly become intense – if an emailer was female, I felt like she was instantly my best friend. If male, then I’d invite myself over to his place for dinner. It all seemed quite pleasant, meaningless and ephemeral.
But what about those people who want to get down to the nitty-gritty, have a real-life roll in the hay and get dirt under their fingernails? Yes, I do have a dear friend who was seduced by a cyber-Casanova. Online courtship is just another medium to spread his roguish charm. Via email (of course!) he wrote:
Cyber-Casanova: I may be a cyber-slut, but I’m pretty discriminating. There is a physical attractiveness threshold which must be reached.
Me: Why bother with cyber-seduction when you consider physical attractiveness as the bottom line?
Cyber-Casanova: You email, they get interested, eventually you meet and check them out, then decide whether to cyber-seduce or just be cyber-friends.
Nothing unexpected here, really. The physical attraction factor was also the first element mentioned by three people I encountered at the launch of a Swiss cybercafe in Geneva. They went to great lengths to emphasise they’d become enamoured of their loved ones In Real Life (IRL) before swapping online slap ’n’ tickle. No-one wanted to be known as a geeky desperado. They also described their relationships as being extremely successful, and gushed on about how the Net had been a crucial element of their wondrously blissful existence.
They all demanded that I withheld their surnames, and had any photographs posed for by models. The first person I honed in on was a tall, blond Norweigian named Jarle. “Do you always ask complete strangers these questions?” he countered, then offered helpfully: “Ask Catherine about it – online sex is how she survives.”
Catherine was a sunny, petite blonde who’d been going out with her Ukrainian boyf since August 1994. He lives in Canada, she lives in Switzerland, and they had been emailing for the past four months.
“Email brings out the courting aspect again,” Catherine sighs. “It’s so much more romantic. He ordered me flowers through the Internet and we write to each other at least five times a week. I visited him in July, but our relationship will be sorely tested, as I won’t see him again until December. I’d rather be together, but there’s so much going on in the two continents. It’s impossible to say what will happen. We’ve set a deadline – 3 August next year – and we will have to decide then about our future together.”
Then there was Penny, a young clerk who told me she’d fallen for her fiance when they began emailing each other in a accounting office. “I thought he was all right, but nothing special. We used to go out together with a group after work. It was weird, because we’d written so much to each other, but the others didn’t really know about it. I would never have asked him out if it hadn’t been for the emails,” Miss Penny said. “The speed is important too. I’d just answer off the top of my head, and I felt that when I read his replies, it was intense – we were more open and less inhibited.”
She refused to divulge the contents of any of the emails.
But back to the voyeuristic Jarle. After listening to everyone else’s stories, he revealed that he had fallen in love with his partner from the US when they had both visited Munich.
“I flooded her with emails for the first five months. We kept in touch for a year. She didn’t want to move to Norway, and I didn’t want to live in the US, so we made a compromise and both moved to the South of France. Now we’re happily unmarried with two kids. Without the initial six months of email contact, there would have been no relationship and no kids.”
He said a big advantage of online courtship is that the person can answer at any time. “Email’s a little less personal than the phone, but more personal than fax.”
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Dating agencies
Ever wondered what type of person entrusts their computer to play cupid? I composed an ad and whisked it off to the Lovemaster at http://www.findlove.com.
To: Lovemaster
Subject: Ad
Hi, I’m a sassy, bubbly ABBA fan, strawberry blonde with blue eyes, looking for an embittered, cynical man. Warped outlook essential – preferably beyond redemption.
Within a couple of minutes a message bounced back:
From: Lovemaster
Subject: RE> Ad
Topic: Women looking for men. This message is a confirmation of your recent posting into ‘Rencontres’, the Net’s coolest dating agency. This mail has been sent to you to let you know the precise content of the posting, as sometimes such ads are submitted as jokes from ‘friends’.
For any request please reply to this message and keep its content so we have a precise reference.
Rgrds,
LoveMaster
Over the next week I get a sample of various outpourings from a range of honourable, horny, and honest-sounding men.
I am an Irish lad, living in the London area – I’m just pushing 27, and I’m a 6’3″ tall rugby player, which I think qualifies me as having a warped outlook on life don’t you think?
I have short, dark hair, blue eyes, and a nice smile, or so I’m told, and determined to find the perfect woman before I retire. I’m not afraid to splurge, but there’s always so much month left at the end of my money.
Apart from that, I am really a very caring and gentle sort of fella – the original Gentle Giant, who has a love of chocolate, white wine, and spending wet Saturday mornings in bed (preferably with someone to keep me warm). I love the cinema, theatre, music (Blues & Irish mostly), reading and good food.
Bigfoot
He sounds alright, so I ask him whether he’s replied to a dating agency ad before.
Bigfoot: Well, my philosophy in life is that somewhere out there the perfect woman is waiting for me, and sooner or later I am going to meet her – therefore, I never miss an opportunity to meet someone who might just fit the bill. They probably won’t, but at least I will have had a few fun times. Once I met a girl earlier this year the same way – we were not really very well suited, but we both had an enjoyable evening.
Me: How did you get the nickname Bigfoot?
Bigfoot: I have big feet! Physically, I need a size 14 shoe – it’s a real pain in the arse, as shoe shops only go up to size 12.
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I don’t like big feet. Next.
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My name’s Gary, I’m a 28-year-old just about to move from Nottingham to sunny London. I’ve never answered an ad like this before in my life (I’m a clean living infonaut, no cyberwhore) and am not sure why I’m doing this now but…I have!
Oh well. Anyway, if you fancy some chatutainment squeeze out an email. Unless you’re some 50-year-old robo trout.
Gary
Me: (Charming!) What do you do for a crust?
Gary: I’m a video games programmer. It all seemed so exciting and glamorous at the time, but now I’m replete with all the concomitant dullness my job entails. Every aunt and uncle has told me “Oooh computers, that’s nice, plenty of money in that, everything’s computers nowadays, I wouldn’t know how to turn one on.” At the moment I’ve got roughly 10 days left to finish off a contract I’ve been working on for the last year. This means 16 hour days in a crummy Croydon office fuelled by caffeine, phenylalanine and MSG. I get free Web relief though. But I’m not some sad vest-wearing bloke forever buying meals for one and desperately keeping an eye out for SWFs with GSOHs. <awkward pause most people indulge in after wondering if they’re acting appropriately>
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The rest of them were an unremarkable assortment – try picking the best from these!
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Tell me more and be clearer and hotter. Love you anyway.
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I’ve never had a really good massage before … you know, one of those deeply relaxing yet wildely stimulating massages with aromatherapy oils … how about a reciprocal arrangement … you rub my back and I’ll rub yours !
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I’m your man, look no further.
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I develop business software tools that produce business software! I’m a 19yo, swm, blue eyes, strong build, well rewarded, cute, blond (curly, lots), passionate…
I was redeemed once but I turned my back and spurned my redeemer. There awaits for me a place in hell. I may seem a bit young for you, but age don’t count online…
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I’m tall and dark and I’m an actuary – it’s someone who …shit, it’s too dull. It’s to do with long term risk & pensions & things.
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More about you? For all I know I could be emailing a psychopathic axe murderer. Now for an ASCCI piccy of me…
.–._.–.
( O O )
/ . . \
.`._______.'.
/( )\
_/ \ \ / / \_
.~ ` \ \ / / ' ~.
{ -. \ V / .- }
_ _`. \ | | | / .'_ _
>_ _} | | | {_ _<
/. - ~ ,_-' .^. `-_, ~ - .\
'-'|/ \|`-`
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29, not tall enough, stocky, have been told I’m not bad looking. People keep telling me about this thing called ‘Actual Reality’, so I feel inclined to try it. Likes: confirmed alt.tasteless member, all types of music (especially punk – I took the ideals and left the clothes though). Fairly social, completely unfashionable.
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I’m a good looking young man, 31, blue eyes, black hair, Research Associate at Cambridge University studying spatial physics. Italian native speaker, and very, very sensual. I like restaurants, travel, mountains. Have a look at my home page (including a recent picture), to learn more about me. I’m cool, tolerant, with a GSOH.
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I’m not searching for marriage, but I’d like to meet a new girl and find a new partner. Due to the large number of emails I receive, I can only continue to correspond with you if you are thinking you could get involved in a relationship. I am not looking for a female escort either (I say this because I received this kind of proposition today and I was not interested — I like sex, but only when both partners enjoy it, and she was asking £150 pounds and the hotel fees for her service in London.)
Some of the things I like include my job, restaurants, and travelling to Switzerland. I don’t read that much, except scientific literature (research papers).
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IAM A CUTE KOREAN GUY WITH A WARPED OUTLOOK. EMAIL ME AND LETS HAVE CHAT, YOU SOUN CUTE
PS I HAVE LOADS OF MONEY FOR RIGHT PERSON
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I’m 36, recently separated, and an overweight (cuddly) photographer with a slightly off beat sideline – helicopters. They’ve been described as “my train set”.
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I am a rather surly musician-turned-computer geek from Arizona. I’ll even come over to the UK and visit you. I have the best intentions. Really.
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I can splurge all over you, believe me. Please email me today – I am interested!!
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I’m bitter twisted paranoid and depressive with tendency toward self destruction Loaded bored and ready to spend my vast family estate on anyone who likes ABBA. I’m also tall blond blue eyed and a student Doctor.
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I’m single Management Consultant (so lot’s of money!!). If you feel like responding… you probably wont – no-one ever does!!
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I am looking for someone to talk to. I am 21 years old, might be considered as BIG. I am 5.8ft, very loving, caring, understanding and truthful. You can call me BIG BRAD! I am from three combinations, Italy, U.A.E and Greek.
I will await for your response 24Hours non stop.
WITH MY WARMEST LOVE X X X X X X
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Hi I need a wife. Interested? Come to Texas. I’ll send you a ticket.
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These emails actually continued for the next couple of months, and I had hundreds of responses, including one from a colleague who worked on another magazine within the same building as me.
From: E
Subject: Ahem
My name is Mr E. I’m 24, tall, extremely good-looking, rich and absolutely fascinated by women whose names begin with C.
Perhaps we could meet for a drink sometime?
Of course, if you meet up with any of those prospective dates you found via the online dating agency, I’ll never speak to you again. Our special bond will have been broken… as will my heart…
Yours hopefully,
E.
We ended up getting married in Las Vegas a year later, where I was given away by an Elvis impersonator.
[Update: We got divorced in 2000.]
